Unresolved Trauma | Why Old Pain Drives New Fights
Photo by Alex Green
When Old Pain Drives New Fights: How Unresolved Trauma Shapes Your Romantic Relationships
You know those moments when you snap at someone you love, then instantly feel shame twist in your chest? Or when you catch yourself pulling away, going cold, even though part of you craves connection? That’s unresolved trauma leaking into the present.
Maybe you don’t think of your past as “trauma.” Perhaps you tell yourself,
“I had a good childhood.”
“Other people had it worse.”
“I should be over this by now.”
But if your body tenses before your mind understands why…
If your reactions sometimes feel too big for the moment…
If relationships feel like emotional déjà vu…
You may be carrying something old that never got the chance to heal.
Key Points:
Unresolved trauma shapes relationship patterns: Past Big T or little t trauma can influence how we react to partners, causing overreactions, withdrawal, people-pleasing, or hypervigilance, even when current situations don’t warrant it.
Trauma is often hidden, not obvious: It doesn’t always show up as flashbacks or nightmares; more commonly, it appears in daily habits, emotional responses, and subtle physical symptoms like tension, migraines, or anxiety.
Healing rewrites old patterns: Therapies like EMDR help reprocess unresolved memories, allowing reactions to match the present, reducing triggers, and fostering emotional freedom and healthier relationships.
Support and self-compassion matter: Recognizing trauma’s impact and seeking guidance aren’t signs of weakness; they're steps toward safety, choice, and connection in your relationships.
Let’s Clarify: This Isn’t About Overreacting
Before we go any further, I want to make this really clear:
Not every big feeling, stress response, or heated conflict means you have unresolved trauma. You’re human. Humans react to life.
Not every strong feeling or conflict signals trauma. This is for people who may have experienced Big T trauma, little t trauma, or a mix of both, and who notice patterns that don’t match the present moment.
Big T Trauma: Life-threatening or deeply distressing events such as assault, severe accidents, sudden loss.
Little t Trauma: Emotionally wounding experiences such as painful breakups, chronic criticism, humiliation.
If you’re unsure whether what you’re experiencing might be a trauma response, the best next step is an evaluation with a licensed professional. I’d be happy to help you figure that out. To get started, please reach out through my contact form.
Both types matter, both show up in your nervous system, and both can heal. To learn more about trauma types and how EMDR can help, don’t miss:
Healing from Trauma with EMDR Therapy: A Gentle Path to Recovery
What Does Unresolved Trauma Look and Feel Like?
Trauma isn’t always nightmares or flashbacks. Often, it shows up in patterns:
Overanalyzing tone, texts, or facial expressions
Feeling anxious when things are calm (“waiting for the other shoe to drop”)
Avoiding conflict at any cost
People-pleasing so you don’t upset anyone
Working, scrolling, or caretaking to distract from your feelings
Feeling overly responsible for your partner’s emotions
Shutting down emotionally just when you want connection the most
These aren’t character flaws. They’re protective responses, learned long ago, that your body still believes it needs to survive. This is what trauma does when it’s unresolved: it hides in daily habits and our relationships.
Unresolved trauma can trigger feelings of anxiety, depression, anger issues, memory loss, or even physical pain. It’s not unusual for people with old trauma to develop migraines, chronic tension, or autoimmune symptoms. As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk’s research expresses, our bodies keep score. When stress hormones remain active for too long, they can impact digestion, immunity, and focus. Unresolved trauma isn’t always PTSD, though it can lead there. PTSD is one possible outcome when the nervous system gets stuck in survival mode. For some, the signs are subtle: overthinking, people-pleasing, staying busy to outrun the stillness.
How Unresolved Trauma Shows Up With Your Partner
In adult romantic relationships, unresolved trauma can show up as:
Hypervigilance: constantly scanning for rejection or danger
Avoidance: keeping emotional distance because vulnerability feels risky
Over-functioning: doing everything so nothing “goes wrong.”
Under-functioning: feeling helpless and relying heavily on your partner
Fear of abandonment: clinging, panicking, or spiraling during conflict
Fear of engulfment: pulling away when things get too close
Maybe a delayed text hits harder than it should, a minor disagreement spirals, or you replay arguments over and over. This isn’t being “too sensitive”, it’s your nervous system responding to an old story. And here’s the hopeful part: You get to rewrite that story, and I can help you do that.
Why the Past Still Lives in the Present
Even when your rational mind tells you, “I’m safe now,” your nervous system might not believe it yet. When something, even faintly, reminds your brain of an old hurt, it may react as if the danger is happening again right now.
Healing doesn’t erase the past. The goal is not to forget what happened, but rather to complete what was left unfinished and to allow your body to finally relax.
When trauma is resolved, triggers lose their power. You still remember the events, but you no longer have to relive them. That’s what true healing looks like every day in the women I work with.
Your body is responding to a story from long ago, but you have the power to rewrite that story. I would be honored to help you do that.
Start Rewriting Your Story – Book a Free Consult
How Healing Begins and Why EMDR Helps You Break Old Patterns
Healing trauma in relationships isn’t about forcing forgiveness or pretending you’re “over it.” It starts with feeling safe in your relationship, both emotional and physical.
That’s the foundation of my work.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
This therapy helps your brain “unstick” memories that are still wired to threat, fear, shame, or helplessness. Think of EMDR as giving your nervous system a chance to finish what it never got to finish.
It helps you reprocess:
The moment you learned conflict = danger
Childhood experiences where you felt neglected or invisible
Times you walked on eggshells in past relationships
Memories that shaped your attachment patterns
Situations that taught you to shut down, overreact, or self-protect
As your brain reprocesses these experiences, something incredible happens: Your reactions begin to match today, not yesterday.
Over time, my clients begin to notice small but powerful shifts:
Reacting instead of overreacting.
Feeling grounded during conflict.
Speaking their needs without fear.
Letting love in without bracing for loss.
This is what healing looks like in real life.
Not perfection, but new patterns.
New safety.
New emotional freedom.
Healing the Past So It Stops Controlling the Present
Healing your past doesn’t mean erasing it. It means loosening its hold so that you can connect, parent, and love from a place of choice rather than from a place of reaction. Whether from Big T, little t, or unmet emotional needs, you deserve support, and I’m here to help.
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